“I was a vice officer. I kept drugs off the streets and out of the hands of kids.”

“Welcome to heaven You may end the gates.”

He asked the second man what he did as a police officer.

“I was a traffic officer,” said the man.

“I kept the roads and highways safe.”

“Welcome to heaven. You may enter the gates.”

He asked the third man what he did as a police officer.

“I was a military policeman, sir,” replied the man.

“Wonderful! I’ve been waiting for you all day!” replied Saint Peter.

…

..

.

“I need to take a break! Watch the gate, will you?

========================================

A young woman walks into a prestige car sales room.

Looks around at all the Porsches, Lamborghini’s, Jags etc., and says to the salesman.

“Can I have the red one?” – a top of the range Porsche.

“I’ll pay cash!” and starts taking handfuls of cash out of a carrier bag until she gets to the right price.

The deal is finalised very quickly and the girl drives it away.

She is back 2 days later, “I want my money back… it smell awfully bad when I use the brakes,” she states emphatically.

Not wanting to lose the sale (having taken cash and fiddled the books) the manager decides to ride in the car with her… in case she is not driving it properly.

He gets in and she roars out of the dealership, drops it into second gear at 55 mph, floors the pedal again and slips into 3rd at 80mph does a handbrake turn into a country lane and then really starts to accelerate.

120mph into 4th gear; 5th at 145mph. The engine is screaming, trying to leap out of the bonnet when it reaches 170mph. The scenery is a green blur the G-force has him pinned in the seat. In the distance, to his relief, the barriers of a level crossing are beginning to come down and she will have to slow down (he thinks!) instead the pitch of the engine increases.

100 yards from the crossing she slams on the brakes and the car stops inches from the barrier.

“Can you smell it?” she says.

“SMELL IT? I’M SITTING IN IT!”

==============================

A middle-aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table, she has a near-d.eath experience. During that experience, she sees God and asks if this is it. God says NO and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.

Upon her recovery she decides to just stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck – you name it, she had it. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she’s got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation when she is k. lled by an ambulance speeding up to the hospital.

She arrives in front of God and asks, “I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?”

“Oh, ” Said God. “I didn’t recognize you.”