The Silent Treatment
A man drinks at a bar after arguing with his wife.
“She won’t speak to me for a month,” he sighs.
The bartender says, “Go home and fix it tonight.”
“You don’t understand,” the man replies. “This is the last night.”

The Dancing Duck
A circus owner buys a tap-dancing duck.
When it doesn’t dance, he storms back angry.
The owner asks calmly, “Did you light a candle under the pot?”

The Pirate’s Eye Patch
A pirate explains his wooden leg and hook from battle injuries.
“And your eye?” asks the bartender.
“Bird droppings,” says the pirate.
“That can’t cost an eye!”
“It was my first day with the hook.”

The Ducks Downtown
A man is told to take his ducks to the zoo.
Next day, they’re back — wearing sunglasses.
“I did,” he says. “Today they wanted the beach.”

Heaven Is Free
In heaven, a man asks the price of mansions, golf, and food.
“All free,” says St. Peter.
The man turns to his wife and yells,
“If it weren’t for your healthy diet, we’d have been here ten years ago!”